Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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