She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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