you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize