Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He better not be in your backpack
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
