He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
