how can u be prego again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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