i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
