I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
