Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
