If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
