just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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