dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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