They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
