mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
