i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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