remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
