I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
