U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
