Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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