ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
