mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
