You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
