It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
