Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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