At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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