No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
