So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Let's get the cat blown out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
