I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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