mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
