literally had 100 drinks last night.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
