I wish I could teleport
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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