shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
