when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
