My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
