we have pet lesbian snakes
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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