Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
