Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i now understand why vodka
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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