So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
