It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
