But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
