i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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