my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
