ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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