and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
