Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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