I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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