I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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