The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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