Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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