I'm so fucking centered right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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