I didn't shave. On purpose
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
