new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My bed smells like the plague
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
