if only i could text you this smell
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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