ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
