sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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