highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
