and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
