Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
